Resolutions Over Regrets

2020 was a rough year for me. I remember sitting in my grandma's living room December 31st, 2020 & just crying. I felt like I had made it to the finish line, that the grass would be greener on the other side. I felt like I just had to make it to that day, and I would see and experience hope. I felt my faith restored in that instant.

The pandemic flipped my already complicated life upside down. I lost my job, which made me unable to renew my lease. Once I left my apartment, I moved back home and found a job I hated. I totaled my car and ended up having to leave the job. I had complications with school, which pushed back my already late graduation date, again. I ended up injuring myself, I couldn't find a full time job. I was at my rock bottom. And I could not dig myself out. It took me 10 months to free myself from that situation.

I considered myself untouchable. I believed since I had overcame so much, there was nothing that could pull me down. God humbled me. I never thought it was even possible for me to reach such an emotional low after all that I had been through in the years prior.

I stopped praying for a while. It wasn't on purpose, I just felt like I was begging. I felt like I was failing God, like I did not supply myself with the correct tools to make myself successful. And I was wrong. I had all the tools except the main one. In my time of need, I acted like I was unworthy of grace, help, or understanding from the man that has showed out every time I needed Him to.

I was laying down one night, staring at the ceiling - just lost. I didn't understand how I lost everything, I didn't understand what to do next. I sat up and started crying uncontrollably. I talk to God as if He is my best friend, because He is my best friend. I asked Him for grace and guidance. And He gave exactly that. I was given a mentor through school that helped keep me on the right track. I ended up finding two new jobs. And a couple months after, I got approved for my apartment.

I had to understand that the entire time, I was so focused on the timeline that I had set for myself that I didn't even consider the timeline God chose for me. He gives everything a bigger picture and a bigger meaning. Nothing is small, nothing is a coincidence, and nothing is without explanation.

I was ready to settle for good, when He was showing me what all could be great.

And great was what I was going to get out of 2021. I got a car, an apartment, a job, still in school, etc. - but I needed to explore more of me. I needed to heal from past situations, and find out how to love myself properly. Love is an action, not a noun. I was saying I love myself, but I was not showing it.

I have this bad habit of pouring into others without pouring into myself. And I learned that in my two years of being single. I had a hard time caring for myself on top of others. That was because I did not surround myself with people that also poured into me on top of themselves. I had to prioritize my healing, and my happiness. Nobody else was going to. Nobody else owed it to me.

Where do I start? I day dream a lot. I day dream about how different so many of the painful situations I was in could've been. I day dream about the way certain things in my life should've been. And I always day dream about what could be. Instead of letting them just be a part of my day, I had to make them a part of my healing. I was not only healing from things that hurt me, but for the good things I will never get to experience. At 23 years old, I was healing my inner child - the one that felt unprotected.

I had to understand that I am the person that I needed when I was younger, and sometimes that just has to be good enough. I confronted a lot of my issues head on, and I surprised myself with how much I was able to accomplish. I let it add to my drive instead of my bitterness.

In 2021, I handled the mental aspect of everything. I thought everything through, I weighed the pros and cons, and I have enjoyed finding myself. I have decided what changes I want to make in the new year, and who I want to enjoy those changes with. New Years resolutions are more than cutting off fake friends and losing weight - grow closer to your spirituality, pick up a new hobby, explore a new field.

Growth is the most important aspect of young adulthood. It is not meant to be perfect, or without fear or pain - it is about learning and adjusting. We do not go through things just to overcome them. We go through things to adjust our mindset and our actions.

Going into 2022, I am hoping to always choose me. I am choosing my success, my happiness, and my health. I am exploring new lifestyle changes, new career fields, and new places.

Maybe you have not been able to do what I have in regard to my healing. Maybe that can be your new resolution. Forgive the people around you for not loving you like you loved them when you were younger. Come to a better understanding as to why a situation from your past that seems so minor, is so major to you. Find the thing that is holding you back from being your best self. Integrate time for prayer, meditation, anything where you and your higher self can talk alone.

There is only one you. And you are the only person obligated to take care of you.

Your inner child is ecstatic at the thought of you finding peace in your adulthood.

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