I'd like to feel wanted instead of needed for once.
I'm exhausted.
Will you still want me around if I stop doing the things you need me to do for you?
I love that God has put me in a position to guide people. I made it part of my profession, helping people grow, learn, and forgive. I learned the skill in everyday life. I started becoming friends with people that needed me, my bond grew stronger with my brothers once I was able to provide something that they needed, I dated men that needed me. And it became exhausting, draining, and has put me in many uncomfortable situations.
Piggy backing off of my last blog post, I want to be a friend, a sister, and a girlfriend - not a mother. Let me give some examples so it can all click.
Once I got a car, I was hanging with people I barely saw before. And transportation was never an issue for me, but my mother was not going to drive all across the city to pick up and drop off my friends. I started being the friend that people called for rides to job interviews, other friends places, pretty much everything. And I didn't want to be the friend to ask for gas money, but once I did, it became an issue. Once I set the boundary of not being willing to drive certain people everywhere, I lost a lot of friends. I did the most caring thing I could've ever done for a friend. I got an apartment for a friend that was going to be potential homeless - I got approved, moved in, let her move in & added her to the lease. And it ultimately ruined my friendship because I was tired of being needed. Food was not cooked unless I cooked it, bills were not paid without my constant reminders, and there was a huge difference in values that weren't discovered until we lived together. Once I stopped going out of my way to make sure things were cooked, clean, or that she was comfortable - we didn't mesh well. Arguments happened, she eventually moved out, and the friendship was ruined.
My siblings started coming around a lot more at the end of last year. Them coming over gave my father a break, and they were pretty much coming over everyday. At first, my brothers and I would all go do things together - but then I realized I was always the one paying. Then it turned into them wanting to use my car or take them places. Then my place turned into the hangout spot, and they would want their friends to come over. And then it became insignificant if I was there or not. My place was being used to do all of the things that they could not do while they were at home & that was an issue for me. It was a boundary I set which led to two of my younger brothers barely ever coming over & after boundaries were broken, I no longer allowed them to come over. I had two of my siblings move in with me. I spoke on expectations, rules, things that were never followed or respected - which led me to a decision to move to my next place without them. I couldn't figure out how to say no without providing compromise. The last few months I have been struggling to keep my head above water & felt like I should have been able to lean on them for help in my time of need. Yet it's different when I need them vs when they need me. And I struggled with communicating that for the longest, because they are my siblings and I love them - with everything in me. But I want to surround myself with people that want me around, not people that keep me around because they need something for me. And once one of my younger brothers completely stopped talking to me because I wouldn't let him disrespect me anymore, come and go from my apartment as he pleases, or do things without asking for parental permission - I understood that I'm not wanted.
I fell in love with a man that I made too comfortable. He knew that because I am independent, I would not let myself drown whether he was in my life or not. He would lie to me and tell me he was looking for a job, he was a felon so I just thought he was having a rough time with his job search. He wasn't going back to school. He needed a ride somewhere everyday, even though he did not have a job or school to attend. I'd come home after a long day and there wouldn't be food cooked, and nothing would be cleaned. And he knew that I loved him enough to overlook this, because he knew that I expected him to get it together at some point. It got to the point where I was filling out applications for him, scheduling his interviews, and having to lay out his outfits & do his hair the night before or he just would not go. I was raising my boyfriend, and I was miserable. Just last week, 7 months after our breakup, he reached out to me. I've never blocked him - after the cheating, lying, and everything else that I've listed in my blog I Found Myself In Your Absence, I was always afraid that one day he would really need me & I would regret not being there for him. He fell on bad times after we broke up & needed to charge his phone at my place. I told him no, because of things that have happened in the past, I was not comfortable having him over. He blocked me and told me since I won't help him, there is no reason for us to ever talk again. He kept me around because he needed me, not because he wanted me.
Everything came around full circle. There is so much peace in having genuine relationships with people where they expect nothing but your time. Realizing this has strengthened so many of my relationships & has helped me perfect the list of things I want to avoid in a future partner. I surround myself with people that don't ask me for anything materialistic.
Being young, I have spent a good majority of my life being there person everyone needed. And I had to find a way to break that cycle before I have a husband, or children - people that actually need me. People that will actually have to depend on me for something. I have the opportunity to live the life that most people lived at ages 16-18, now. I spent so much of my time and energy looking out for people that will not do for me HALF of the things I've done for them.
I had to choose me. I need me. I need my peace, I need my sanity, I need my happiness.