Playing My Position
Updated: Aug 15, 2020
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was set boundaries with the people I care about most.
There is so much emotion behind being the person that seems like they always have it together. I love being viewed as strong, but in times of weakness I have no one to lean on. Supporting everyone and receiving no support is exhausting. It is so much easier to say I'm okay than it is to say I need help. I open my door to everyone, I don't ask for a dime to upkeep my space or a dime to keep food in it, even when everyone else is eating it. And if I went broke today, would those people help me get back on my feet?
I want to experience a love that does not require only my sacrifice. I want to be in a relationship (not just romantic) that has gains instead of losses.
I want to be a sister without having to be a mother. I want to be able to keep a healthy dynamic while still being respected. It is hindering when the only time I'm being heard is when I'm screaming. I want my presence to be seen as a want, and not just an escape. I want to be provided the comfort that I have been able to provide to others.
I want to be a girlfriend without having to be a mother. I want to be able to be courted properly, and for my space to be seen as a privilege and not a right. I want to be with someone who wants to reciprocate without being promoted. I want to be valued and pursued by someone who is ready to add value instead of subtract it.
I want to be a friend without having to be a mother. I want friends that know how to prioritize their social lives, children, and careers. I want friends who understand that because I can does not mean I should or will. I want friends that are striving to be their best selves and understand that I will be their biggest cheerleader.
People want all of the benefits, without the consequences. People see where I am and what I have, applaud me, and want to leech off of me. Why do I have to share my rewards when I'm the only one that worked for them? At what point am I no longer the nagger and people understand that they are simply inconsiderate?
People want you to stick to the title, but only when it benefits them. I am not obligated to feed anyone, keep a roof over anyone's head, drive anyone around, or help anyone with anything. I am not a mother, I am not a wife, I do not have anyone to live my life for besides myself. And when it comes to a point where I am hurting instead of benefiting, I have to re-evaluate.
And the moment that you stopping acting like the parent & try to stick to the position, it's a problem. It is unfair to expect someone to take on the weight of the world without finally breaking down. Give me the ability to live before they have to take on real responsibilities. Let them enjoy being a sister, a niece, a friend, a girlfriend before they have to become a mother, a wife, a doctor, etc.
How is this going to make me a better person?
Not every lesson in life needs to be rooted in pain. And It is never to late to re-evaluate who you are and what you want your purpose to be. The least someone could do for you is the bare minimum, especially when they should be going beyond that.
You might benefit from me, but I do not benefit from you.
What can you offer someone that they cannot receive by themselves besides stress?