Updated: Jan 27
My capacity to love is endless, but my capacity for bullshit has reached it's max.
I spent ten months with a man who loved the idea of me, but hated the real me. I stayed in a relationship fueled on money, lies, and sex. I fought with multiple women over a man I didn't even want. I said no when he first asked me to be his girlfriend. I just knew he wasn't what I wanted in a partner. But everyone encouraged me. Everyone told me to say yes, and I shouldn't have listened. I needed someone to direct my anger out on if I was going to continue to deal with him & the women he dealt with while dealing with me were exactly that. And everyone questioned why I kept going back. I even started lying to the people that loved me about him. He was doing the same, but for different reasons.
Every time I found out he cheated, it was the same routine. I'd scream, cry, kick him out. He'd beg, buy me gifts, and be back within a week. We'd argue until 3 or 4 in the morning. He never cared that I had class or work the next day. Things would turn physical & his only defense was that he never actually hit me. And then he had to be even more specific and say he never hit me in my face. He was fighting for a home. Not out of love, or even anger. He was more afraid of me kicking him out and him not having a place to lay his head, than loving me.
I found out so many lies. I found out about so many different women. To deal with a man for less than a year and have him embarrass me to the point where there are certain details of our relationship I want to take to my grave, became numbing. After the third time I found out he was still pursuing his ex in February, I didn't have a tear left to shed. I couldn't even feel betrayl or hurt anymore. I was disgusted with him.
He would just beg, and beg, and beg. It was easier to forgive him. To be with someone who would at least give the effort of feeding me lies rather than trying to hurt my feelings. And I still don't know where I lost my sense of worth but I know I found it in March. He had made a twitter to get my attention whenever I blocked him & one of the women he was dealing with found it. She messaged me - there was the usual lying and cheating, some nights that didn't add up that she provided clarity to. But the worst thing was that she told me that she had been in my apartment. I was hysterical. My home had been compromised, my safe place. I don't know why I thought he would respect my space, but I never respected him again after I found that out.
And we officially lived apart after that. My only concern was hurting him from then forward. I wanted to use him dry, leave him on his knees - begging, sobbing. We were both cheating, both lying. It was draining. I was trying to be someone I am not, but I was showing him and myself exactly what I have the ability to be. He was giving me more money because he was sorry. He paid off my birthday trip, he was paying bills, we were going on two dates or more a week. After a couple weeks, my soft spot started to grow. And I knew I couldn't let it. We were talking about kids, marriage, I even got a ring - but I could not let myself spend the rest of my life with this man.
I prayed for an out. I wanted to be done with him and he was making it impossible. The next month, I went through his phone and phone a sex tape of him and the mother of his child. A woman I've exchanged many words with & the only woman that he's ever made look stupider than me. I was disgusted. I was finally done. Love no longer lived here. And if I was still hesitant, a woman under a fake contact texted his phone while I was going through it. At this point, I'd be dumb to stay. I was already dumb, but the proof of watching the man you're in love with having sex with another woman certainly provides a lot of clarity about a lot of feelings. And I'm just happy I wasn't internalizing that pain anymore. He has a problem that will never be fixed, and I cannot sit around hoping that it will self resolve one day.
Leaving him just didn't feel like enough. I wanted him to be in pain, I wanted the women that are still fighting over him to this day, to feel my pain. I argued, I yelled, I fought - they ran. I was tormented for months, by the same people who now try to avoid me at all costs since I've matched their chaotic energy. And at first I was angry. I was angry because I felt taken advantage of. And I was. I was mean for a while. I had a lot of other things in life going on that I couldn't focus on. I couldn't deal with conflict peacefully. I was either going off or going ghost, there was no in between. I was just hoping for the opportunity to fight them, argue with them, somehow redeem myself.
I redeemed myself in other ways. I got my peace back. I started enjoying my hobbies again. I didn't realize how many parts of my life I put on hold because of him. I'll finally be able to finish school, I moved into a home he will never have access to, and I was promoted at my job. The moment I left him, I prospered.
No one ever warns you about how hard dating is after a toxic relationship. I picked up on so many of his traits, I didn't even realize until I saw how abnormal it was with other people. I grew codependent on someone I could rarely lean on & I had to realize I can truly lean on myself. It's never about how many times you go back, as long as there is a time where you leave. I survived dating a narcissist. A man that never had the intent of prioritizing anything over his own desires, even at my own demise.
And as much as people expect me to be bitter, I'm grateful. The capacity of love I have to give to someone who is deserving is extraordinary. And the love and grace I am now giving myself is beyond that. Healing is a journey and I am still on my path, but being at peace has been a huge part of it.
Good riddance to that balding, cheating, never deserving, narcissistic man.