I Prayed For You

At the end of 2024, I just knew I was meeting my soulmate in 2025. It was an intense feeling. As someone who was never big on seeking out love, I knew it was coming to find me. As someone who was content alone, I felt the need to create space in my life for this unknown person.

A few days after Christmas, I met a young man. He wasn't my immediate type, but I am a very emotionally led person - so I decided to see where things could go. I was amazed, he worked in Special Education, he was attentive, communicative, and very intentional. He was something men said they are, but never were. We went on our first date, lunch at a pizzaria. We sat on the same side of the booth, we held hands - and I wasn't the most comfortable, but it felt natural, it felt safe. I'm not a person who enjoys physical touch, I have to grow into a lot of things - but with him it all felt natural, it all felt so safe.

Our date was great. We had only planned for lunch, but I had some errands to run and he joined me. We ended up spending the entire day together. As time went on, our communication was still great, we were going on dates at least three times a week. He was really good about knowing how to show up for a woman. After a couple weeks I remember him telling me, I know you're used to doing everything alone, but you don't have to anymore. Words that everyone wants to hear, but men can rarely uphold. His actions matched that statement, and him saying that to me made me even more intentional with the way I was showing up in this new relationship.

We were sleeping on the phone. I felt like a giddy teenage girl again. I felt validated, I felt wanted, but most of all, I felt blessed. I felt like all the love that I poured into the world was being poured back in me. I felt like my faith in men had been revived. Of course it's not all men, but for me he was living proof that it really isn't all men. He made me feel seen. I have never been in a relationship where I could truly let my walls down & once we were official, my walls no longer existed.

I shared my heart and soul with him, and he did the same. We discussed our relationships with our parents, our relationships with our siblings, what marriage and children with each other would look like. We were actively planning our lives together & it wasn't just talk. He was putting in the effort for me to know that he wanted to provide for me. Even through disagreements, he took accountability, he apologized - we communicated. It was intimate, imperfect, and intentional. I felt so blessed. This is what I wanted out of a relationship, this is what I prayed for.

After about five months, he was no longer able to live with his aunt, who he had been staying with the entire time. We had planned to move in together once my lease was up a few months later, so it wasn't the biggest deal that he had to move in earlier. It wasn't what I wanted, but I felt like I needed to compromise a bit. Being uncomfortable for a short amount of time for a lifetime of comfortability seemed like a small give. Him moving in was great. He did everything. He cooked, he cleaned, he lifted the weight off my shoulders. I felt so so so blessed.

About two months after he moved in, we got into a big argument. I was upset that he was not paying as much as he should toward the bills, and he was upset that he felt like I didn't do anything. We communicated, we apologized, and we both were more intentional about how we were showing up for each other. He was the only man I've ever been with that really made me self reflect on how I could show up better in the relationship. Being loved by someone the way I needed was bringing the best out of me. This is what I prayed for. I was in a relationship where anger barely existed, and where this was no room for screaming. We were a partnership. We were committed.

He had been very open about missing his family. His brother's birthday was coming up and he planned to visit him in Minneapolis. A few days before he left, I was feeling very uneasy. He hadn't really communciated his traveling plans and I just was not sleeping well. I had taken that entire week off work to just relax, and I was able to spend some time with my mom and best friend. I went to both of them sobbing, telling them how I didn't feel emotionally secure & I felt like I wasn't showing up as the best partner I could be. They were both reassuring, but I was pretty much inconsolible. I was having such an intense feeling that I could not pinpoint, and that was making me anxious.

The day before he left, I sat him down, crying. I told him, like I have many times before, God brought me you. I followed up by telling him to really think about if this is what he wants. He became emotional with me, he seemed a bit confused. He let me know that he would miss me. And it was odd, because it started to feel like a breakup, but we were not breaking up. I wanted him to feel sure of this life we were saying we wanted to build. I thought him leaving, coming back, and confirming this is exactly what he wanted would cure my feeling. I thought the space apart would give us all the answers we needed.

The morning of his trip, I felt great. I woke up that morning and felt like I was falling for him all over again. I felt so blessed to be loved by this man. I felt so blessed just to be able to experience him. I dropped him off at work and headed to the grocery store. He was taking a bus to Minnesota after work & I wanted to send him off with a great meal. I returned home from the store and brought all the groceries in. I was about to get started & then I saw his old phone laying on his gaming desk. I've never checked his phone, never had the urge to. We touched each other's phones all the time. We would watch videos on each other's phones, play games on each other's phones - I've never had a reason to just go through it.

I told myself I was going to try to guess his password one time. If I didn't guess it correctly, I was going to leave it alone. If I did, I took it as a sign that I'm supposed to find something. I put in my six digit guess and it opened up. I immediately closed my eyes and let out a breath, my heart was pounding out my chest. I found him communicating with over 20 women in his phone. I saw him being ignored, being laughed at, being sought after. I saw private photos taken in areas of my apartment that I've never seen, but he shared with multiple women. I saw him lying to women about having two jobs & barely having time to talk to them. There were multiple social media accounts, multiple dating accounts, multiple pictures of him with other women.

I was shaking. I was disgusted. I felt betrayed. This is who I prayed for? This is who I felt blessed to experience? And the weirdest thing I found out was that he claimed to have an estranged relationship with his mother, but they talked every single night after I went to sleep. I felt unsafe. I had no idea what the man I was sleeping next to every night was capable of. The little shy man who acted like I was his piece of heaven on earth was selling the same dream to multiple other women.

I called my mom, my aunt, my best friend. I didn't know what to say. He didn't only trick me, he tricked everyone. This man came into my life to build a relationship with everyone I care about, just to betray me. I was disgusted with him. There was no way we could come back from this. I didn't even want to try to. I called him to get his items. He did, and he left.

For weeks, I thought about the fact that I kept telling this man that God sent me him. I kept telling him I felt so blessed to experience him. And it wasn't until recently that I understood that both those statements are still true. God let me trust him long enough to see my own flaws and work on my own progress. God showed me that a man can do so much and still do you so wrong. God brought me him to teach me a lesson, not about heartache, but about myself.

I thank God I got to experience this pitiful man. He reminded me that love exists. He reminded me that men are capable, and so am I. He taught me that I am able and willing to love unconditionally. He taught me that I might bend, but that I will never break. And most importantly, I learned that a man will be who he is, regardless of the woman he is with. God might've let me lose the battle, but it was worth it to win the war. I might have lost a man, but he lost a home, his job, and a damn good woman.

We have to be grateful when we slip through the hands of people who had no business of trying to hold onto us anyway!