We often prove that we aren't quite ready for what we think we are.



I've discussed my past relationship a lot on this blog. Honestly, it's how I've gotten so many reads in my most recent posts - but God knows how to keep me relatable. I've avoided blogging for a while because I didn't know what to write about. I refused to give talking stages the energy of a blog post - but then I ended up in a very short lived relationship. This blog post will be the only evidence that I was in this relationship, because to me it doesn't count but I have so much to say about what I've learned about myself in the short three months I was with this man.


I have been on a mission to finish school, get a better job, and better myself. And all those things I am doing. I graduate in a couple months, I'm applying for better jobs, and I was doing what was needed to better myself before I met this man. I was meal prepping, doing at home workouts between classes and meetings, journaling, just moved back into my own place, and I was just so happy. After dealing with my ex and moving out of my last apartment, it was just so amazing having my peace and dignity back.


I met this man one night, and we were inseparable since. For three months, there was not one night we spent apart. I always share my work schedule with whoever I'm dating, because working late evenings usually becomes an issue. With my ex, he took my schedule as an opportunity to cheat - and long story short, so did this guy.


And after two years, I do not understand why I was so loving and trusting from the beginning. It's out of my character. I brought this man around my family, spent time with his son, met some of the people closest to them - and yet I never even let my ex of almost two years meet my family.


God wanted to see if I was still stupid. And yeah, I was.


I knew I was not ready for a relationship. I knew a relationship would interrupt my progress - but I was being taken care of. It is so hard to not dismiss the bad things when you are experiencing the good things. To know a man that slept next to me every single night was also sleeping with a woman everyday while I was at work disgusts me.


Let's get back to the point of the blog - us not being ready for what we think we are.


Relationships take a lot of energy as adults. It's more than facetimes and compliments. It's bills, children, work schedules, and so much more. And sometimes we forget how much energy we need to put into ourselves when we are also putting energy into other people. It's not an impossible dynamic, just a difficult one.


I caught myself pouring into an half empty glass all over again. The person that I am working on becoming would never deal with the things I let myself go through these last few months.


With my ex, I complained about how be barely cooked or clean, he didn't work, and he barely made time to see his children. God sent me someone that cooks everyday, cleans often, works everyday, and sees his child everyday - and showed me that those are not only bare minimum qualities, but those qualities alone do not make someone a good partner.


And a lot of the qualities that I appreciated about my ex, didn't exist within this man. And that's okay. I do not have to accept half the package when I want the full thing.


We always think of the qualities we will allow ourselves to bend on because there are other qualities we like. The full package is attainable, but we don't have the patience to learn if we truly have it. We forgive mistakes that shouldn't happen, we go through too many ups and downs too early on - we exhaust ourselves. We have to prioritize our peace, because a man or a woman dragging you through hell isn't.


When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Look at them for who they are, and not the false potential that you made up in your mind. People show themselves in their rawest forms, and it is our perception of them that we fall in love with. A good partner will help you prioritize your own peace and happiness. Good relationships are built with happy individuals that form a happy relationship.


You deserve the full package.




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underground black girl

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a place to discuss the things we're told to heal from without apology

about the creator

Hey everyone! My name is Alexus Moore, but everyone calls me Lexsie. I am currently an undergraduate student at a university in Indianapolis, IN. My major is Psychology & my minor is Afro-American Studies. 

I started my blog January 27, 2019 - a few days after a close friend of mine committed suicide. he struggled with his mental health a lot, and it was hard for him to find a safe place while he was here on earth. so, I was determined to make one. since that day I have dedicated my life to creating a safe place for us - and keeping a constant line of communication open for anyone who needs it.

the purpose of my blog is to create a space for people, especially black youth that are struggling with depression, anxiety, and more. we are constantly told that we are not allowed to feel emotion if we have basic necessities. and it is beneficial to know someone is there, and willing to listen.

so come on, let's heal 🖤

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