My Faith

This month taught me to stand in my purpose.

I like to surround myself with people with opposing opinions. And no matter how many times they end up conflicting with my own, I end up in a cycle of failed situations because of religion. I’ve been the person that did not believe. I’ve been the purpose that still wanted to be loved by people taking other religious paths in life.

It’s not the opposing view that hinders things. It’s the disrespect for my view that does.

I was raised Christian, but that is not the reason I am Christian. People have a hard time believing that I built my faith, I had to walk my path alone. When I was in middle school, I was practically an atheist. I would go to church and think of a rebuttal for every single thing the pastor said. I was bitter at the world for being in a situation I had put myself in. I turned away from God when I needed him most, and I suffered the consequences of blocking my own blessings.

Then I had to hit rock bottom. Literal rock bottom. And the only place I wanted to be was inside of a church. And I cried. And I was hugged on. And I was prayed over. And I felt peace, even though my situation was not even close to being resolved. The battle was no longer mine, because I was instantly a changed woman.

My faith was built entirely on my struggle. I found a church home, on my own, at the age of 20. I go by myself, I feel truly at peace when I am there. It is the only place I can go alone where my anxiety is at a calm.

And yet I found myself accepting men into my life where this was not also their happy place. And it caused a divide. I do not want to be the only reason a man is going to church & I do not want to be with a man that causes a divide between me and God. My church is sacred to my heart. When I go more than one week without going, I shed tears as soon as I walk in. The message teaches me something every week. I am attached to the word of God.

And I can no longer surround myself with people that aren’t. And it’s not the fact that I can’t have friends with different religious views. But I cannot fall in love with someone that does.

My intimacy is something based in the Word.