Settling

The emotion of anger is never a primary reaction.

Other emotions turn into anger, nothing ever starts at anger. Whether it is pain, embarrassment, disappointment – we only know how to deal with most of those emotions by expressing anger. And that’s sad. We’d whether be viewed as crazy than weak. I know I’d take the title crazy over weak any day, and I always have.

I played the weak role for years, especially in romantic relationships. And it made men – well boys, feel like they had some type of power over me. It is crazy the way someone will attempt to break you down because they think they can get away with it. It is crazy the hell someone will put you through because you let them get away with something.

And it hurts when you give something everything they wanted, but they test your boundaries. It is a vicious cycle loving a man, especially a black man.

Women deserve to feel love without experiencing pain first. I don’t want to go through traumatic experiences to find my soulmate. I don’t want to have to put my morals or values aside for the love I think I deserve in that moment.

What is the breaking point? Where should we draw the line?

I don’t want to love a man through his toxic phases. I don’t want to explain to my daughter that I settled for a love where I felt pain more than I felt happiness.

My biggest fear is settling for a love because I was pressured to. Because as of now, and for the last couple of years, marriage has not been that important to me. When I think of all the things I want to accomplish in life – I think of my education, my career, and the children I will have with or without a man. And maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up with a full-time father figure.

I’m afraid to settle for the love I grew up seeing other people experience.