Alone Not Lonely

I am finally at the point where I need to take my own advice.

I always tell people – the only person you are in competition with is yourself.

When I think about that saying, I always think of education, careers, finances – areas in which I feel fulfilled. There's never been a need for me to feel in competition with anyone, I’m far beyond where I thought I would be at my age.

And the only field in my life that I let society dictate my feelings on was my love life.

I let myself fall into a three (really five) month situationship. And afterwards, I felt unappreciated. I was determined to be in a real relationship, I was determined to be with someone that will make me feel appreciated.

So, a couple months later, I found someone – and I did.

And God teaches lessons on asking for things without being specific. This man was amazed by me – everything about me. As if I was the best thing since sliced bread. And in the beginning, it was amazing. I have a bad habit of not evaluating things until at least one thing goes wrong. And I realized I need more in a relationship than to feel appreciated. A lot more actually.

I was settling for men so far beneath me that I began to take more of a caretaker role than a girlfriend role. And once I let them get comfortable, I began uncomfortable – and then the “relationship” would just die out.

I dated men with no manners, no car, no education, no stable income.

And the things I value the most about myself are those things – and how they all had an impact on my successful transition to adulthood. 

I dated men that didn’t support me – they didn’t read my blog, didn’t encourage my studying, complained about the long hours I work (but never helped with a single bill).

I was so caught up in seeing my friends engaged and having children & I thought that was what I wanted right now. When in reality, it isn’t what I want or need at this time in my life. It is what I want eventually. And honestly, I don’t even know if it what I want – maybe I just feel that I want it because everyone else does.

I was stuck in a mindset of picking and choosing what toxic traits to deal with and what toxic traits to let go. Toxic is toxic, and a healthy relationship is not about dismissing the lesser evil.

Over the last couple of years, while dating as an adult – I've figured out more of my dislikes than my likes. And still, that’s beneficial & a step in the right direction. 

I want to live life for myself. I want to go into my last year of college without basing so many of my decisions on someone else's feelings. I want to go on dates & never feel obligated to see that person again. I want to be a regular 21 year old.

There is so much power in simply knowing that you deserve to be sought after.