I Found Myself In Your Absence
Updated: Aug 15, 2020
I lost myself in my ex. Which uncovers less about him and more about me. I became more of an enabler than a supporter. My life began like clockwork, the things I thought I wanted ended up being the things I settled for. And I never understood the issues, or why I was so unhappy until I said my final goodbye.
I have a very strong work ethic. I will work non-stop, still go to school, and still squeeze in time for my loved ones. And all I wanted was someone to recognize how hard I was working, or for someone to admire all the hard work I had been achieving. So here I was, finally healed from my last breakup, or so I thought & ready to put myself out there. I had this list of things that my ex didn't do that I wanted to make sure the guy I would be dating would do.
I wanted him to be supportive, encouraging, and have his own space that I could go to because I was so tired of dating men that were constantly in my space - where I have to not only provide the transportation, but the meet up spot. [I was young, and had a car, which so many guys my age didn't at the time].
So, I found exactly that - and we clicked instantly. We were inseparable after the first day. I was at his place every single day. He would stay up with me until 3 or 4 am helping me with my homework. He would lay out my clothes for the next day. I woke up to breakfast every single morning. These were the things I asked for, this is what I wanted - I wanted my feelings to be under constant consideration. Yet, for some reason, when we focus on some things too hard, we settle on other things.
I was dating an unemployed man with two children he barely saw. I was dating a man that cheated on me religiously, because Mon-Fri I was busy from 9am-11:30pm. I was dating a man that would wake me up at 6am when he woke up because he was bored - even though I would be exhausted. I was dating a man that old me instead of every buying him food, it would be more beneficial to him if I just handed him the money. I was dating a man that I was overall ashamed to bring home - and we were together almost two years, yet I never let him meet my mother.
And it wasn't about me realizing my worth, because I understood what I deserved and that there is better. I was comfortable, I was too busy to meet someone new. And dating just takes up too much time. I didn't want to tell a new person my favorite color. I didn't want to explain my abandonment and anger issues to a new person.
And one thing I can still say, with all the negativity, with all the pain, with all the bull crap that we put each other through, I never went to sleep not feeling loved.
We had a tragic breakup. I am a firm believer that God will continuously push your boundaries until you leave the situation you're in. I was finally miserable. I was crying every night to my best friend telling her how miserable I am in my relationship even though I was undeniably in love with him. Nothing was working. I was the only person trying to fix things. He was still cheating. He wasn't working. He wasn't seeing his children. Alllll he ever did was eat all my food, not clean anything, and sleep all day - I was so afraid that this was going to be the man I live the rest of my life with.
It was the hardest breakup I had ever been through. It changed my entire life. I had to adapt to sleeping alone, to waking up alone, to fixing my own breakfast. This was not only the man that I was in love with, but the only man my goddaughter had ever seen me with - and she loved him. That was her favorite person. I forced her to say goodbye to him. The first time she walked into the apartment, and I saw the excitement leave her face because he was not there left me heartbroken.
I let myself cry. And I did cry, a lot. And before I could go back, more bull crap happened. And my sadness not only turned to anger, but it turned to determination. When a man can put your life at risk, your entire household at risk - I knew that the love I knew no longer existed.
I became comfortable with my usual work and school routine. I was never finding time to discover something I wanted to do. And I needed to create a basic routine for myself before I introduced anyone else into my life. I had lost my desire to blog, and this blog is my baby! I needed a hobby. I decided I was going to do nails, and I didn't want to jump into it. Anyone that knows me can tell anyone that I am a perfectionist. I started investing in supplies over time. I took a class, watched some youtube videos - and officially launched this week. And though my work is not perfect, I am learning & growing, and enjoying every second of it. I am finally doing somewhere when I am allowed to enjoy it, alone. Something I am doing specifically for me and my well being because I spent so much time inviting other people into my blessings.
I gained emotional clarity. I've learned to stop ignoring red flags. I am truly practicing what I preach in terms of dating. I am in no rush for my happily ever after because what is for me will always be for me & God will make sure I'm ready when it comes to me.
We invite people into our lives and settle down with them while we are still growing and they are content. There is no need for me to be miserable with you, when you can be miserable all by yourself. I cannot be a girlfriend and a therapist, I will not be a wife when I'm supposed to be a girlfriend, and I will no longer compete for a spot when I've already been given the title.
I went through things that were unnecessary to my peace but necessary for my path. I learned more about what I expect in this lifetime & I learned what things to be flexible on and things to stand firm in. And I would have never learned any of this if I stayed, or went back. I learned so much about myself when I left the person that thought they knew me better than I know myself.
I found myself in his absence.