Updated: Aug 15, 2020
This is my first blog post not connected to a song. & it's freeing.
I tried to create this theme, hoping it would keep me dedicated, but it became a burden. I wanted to provide something consistent, something normal - but my emotions aren't consistent & a lot of the times they aren't considered normal.
I've noticed something in the last week, I have not surrounded myself with people that unconditionally love me. I love people unconditionally, but their position in my life is conditioned - and people don't seem to understand that.
I have this waiting game I do with people. And I do it because I hope they'll change, but I know they won't. I have a hard time giving up on people I open up to, but I've learned along the way that I am apart of so many people's healing. It's starting to realize that I don't have the same emotional attachment to my story the way most people do. I've become numb to the trauma, I use my life to help with other people's healing.
I have been through the worst of the worst, and I'm still everyone's shoulder to cry on. I take on everyone's burdens. And the one person I've always been able to run to pretty much told me my emotions were a burden to them, so I learned how to deal with them internally.
This retrograde has taught me that envious people are the ones that are closest to you. I support everyone - whether it's buying from their business, posting their music and flyers, or even just asking them how their creative brain is holding on - I support everyone. But nobody supports me in the same sense (except Chris, literally the only person). Nobody posts my blogs, nobody shops from the lip gloss brand I'm a marketing partner of. I receive more help from random people that add me on snapchat than I do my friends and family.
I refuse to let things like this change my character. I don't want to be the woman that turned bitter. I don't want to be the woman that won the world and forgot everybody - but I watch, and I know who is for me and who isn't.