“Do I still got time to grow?”
I want everything figured out, all the time, so I can be at peace.
If I win every victory today, what is there for me to do tomorrow?
I am a constant rush with myself to be the best I can possibly be.
These last few weeks made me stop in my tracks. I truly had to give myself a round of applause. For everything I have done & I am striving to do. I have done a lot more than some, and a lot less than most. Life is not a competition. I have to remind myself that I do a lot for someone my age. The stress is not worth it. I am too young to settle for the bare minimum of anything, when I have my entire life to find the best.
In my mind, I was trying to prove myself to myself.
When I first started college, I thought I was going to end up graduating early. I was going to be the first doctor in my family – I was going to be everything I ever thought I was going to be.
Then reality hit.
I was depressed. I was away from home, I had nobody to run to when I was in Muncie. I didn’t want to tell my mom or grandmother, because I didn’t want to stress them out. My first semester of college was the worst academic semester I have ever had. I did better the next two semesters, but I still was not at my best. I made a few friends first semester, I lost a few of them along the way. I am not a person that can be forced to be social, so I was lonely. I was very, very lonely.
“Things ain’t always set in stone”.
God knows.
I ended up having to move back home, and had to send a semester at a school I wasn’t a big fan of, but ended up at the school I love now. College has taught me that I am not a person for meaningless conversation. I am someone who needs every conversation to hold purpose, for a conversation to be beneficial to me it needs to lead to something.
I learned that my world is simply about my happiness. I learned that I was not proving anything to myself, but I was trying to prove myself to a person that doesn’t care if I fail or succeed. I learned that I need to live in the now, because I am exactly where I need to be. Everything happens for a reason, the last few years have proved that.
I got this.