Updated: Aug 15, 2020
I was sitting in my room on a Friday morning, when my ex from two years ago (a very short lived relationship) texted me out of nowhere. He wanted to catch up, maybe go on a date - I agreed. We go on this date, and we're talking & of course the break up comes up into the conversation. Pain is something that I am passionate about, and my pain has always been something that has demanded to be felt. So as I'm rambling about the pain, and how I could never understand how someone that was so crazy about me then could be so casual with me now, he looked at me confused. We've had no contact in two years. He looked me in my eyes & told me, that was two years ago and I needed to let it go. And in that moment, I realized that there are so many things that have happened 2, 3, 4, even 10 years ago that I still carry around everyday - that I have let make me into some type of burden.
He wasn't being rude, he was genuinely confused - and probably a little worried. But with that statement, I was even more confused. Why am I letting something that happened so long ago impact my life today?
As a woman, as a black woman in a world that has told me to support & build with a black man no matter the circumstances - I've experienced a lot of trauma. I don't know one black woman that hasn't. We're taught that to become a wife, we have to survive hell & then hope for a ring. And I did that for so long, I went through hell for men I would've been miserable spending the rest of my life with. And it's like do we ever learn from it completely, or do we just gain a larger tolerance.
And then we have the women that swear up and down that they would never go through or do the things we go through or do - trust me sweetie, we'll find someone to pick you, but this blog is NOT for you!
We all hope and pray that we heal like Sheila instead of Yvette. (I hope you guys catch those references).
At what point are we toxic to ourselves?
We're toxic to ourselves when we cannot find the thin line between alone and lonely. There is so much power in closing the door of accessibility to you. There is so much power in the word no. There is so much power in not explaining yourself to everyone - protect yourself when you're vulnerable. Than man that has been messaging you forever on Facebook can wait until you're in a better headspace to get a response - especially when you've already been having him wait months.
When in pain, we open this huge window of opportunity. And in that window of opportunity, we fall for potential. Maybe this person could potentially help me heal. Maybe this person will potentially treat me better. Maybe this person will potentially be the one. And there has to be a point where we take a deep breath and realize that the only person we need to depend on for our healing is ourselves.
Heartbreak is common, hurt feelings is common - and they both are painful. At some point we have to heal by ourselves. At some point we have to make sure our spirit is healthy so we can create and be in a healthy relationship. Constantly accusing the next person you're with of cheating or lying isn't healthy. And ignoring all the red flags because you just know this person is different and that you don't want to ruin this relationship by digging too deep also isn't healthy.
The most important thing that we all need to come to terms with is that ALL of us are worthy of love - and not only romantically.
Where did this learned behavior come from? This forgiveness without forgetting.
How do we deal with the issues of an inconsistent parent or a fake friend? What steps can we take so they don't impact our future relationships with our children, our other friends, and our partners? At what point do we learn FROM it, instead of being consumed by it?
Your good friends deserve more.
Your children deserve more.
Your consistent parent, even if it's only one, deserved more.
Your partner deserves more.
And most importantly, you deserve more.