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You Did Nothing To Deserve That

Updated: Aug 15, 2020

On Facebook, I’ve seen so many of my male friends discussing rape. They’re debating over what is and isn’t - but most of all, they’re really exposing how predatory people are.

I wonder if they would keep the same energy if it was their mother or sister.

If there isn’t definite consent, it is rape. And I don’t understand how so many men can debate on this topic. And I don’t understand all the “pick me” females that agree with them.

Before I go into my rant, let me confirm things.

1. Touching someone sexually in their sleep without blanket consent is assault/rape.

2. Begging until someone says yes (coercion) is rape.

3. Taking a condom off during sex without permission is rape.

4. Not stopping when told to stop during sex is rape.

5. Having sex with someone before does not give you access to have sex with them again.

Any man, or woman that say these aren’t rape are predators.

So - to the beautiful men and women that have been raped, assaulted, and have to see these arguments, my blog is specifically for you today. Do not let other people deny your pain, do not second guess your actions. Consent is not something that needs to be taught & you, under any circumstances, are not one to blame for what happened to you.

Speaking on and building boundaries with your partner is a normal conversation to be had. 

Your partner should not wake up in the mood and decide they are going to touch and have intercourse with your body if that has not been a discussion. A partner that can act on that impulse, without considering your feelings is toxic, scary, predatory. Blanket consent is a thing. It needs to be a discussion that if one of you are in the mood – that is okay for the partner to wake you up to sexual acts. Sleep is sacred, and so is your body. Speak on the boundaries you have placed and expect your partner to respect them.

You should never have to be convinced to have sex. Sex is either all or nothing. One no should be enough, you shouldn’t have to explain yourself. What you do with your body and who you allow to touch your body is completely your decision. You are allowed to not be in the mood. You are allowed to not want to be touched. Your partner is not entitled to your body whenever they want it. 

Taking a condom off during sex without permission should be a crime. Without your partner’s consent – you are exposing them to a potential STI and/or pregnancy. That is not a decision that one person gets to make. Consenting to have sex with someone, and consenting to the risk of STI or pregnancy are not one in the same.

People are allowed to change their minds during sex. Their mood can be thrown off, they could be in pain, they could just not want to anymore – and that needs to be respected. Safe words are really important in this aspect. So many people take “no” and “stop” during sex as a “turn on” or a reason to be rougher – and if that is you and your couple’s thing, have a safe words. That safe word needs to represent that your partner needs to stop immediately. And for those people that have not discussed safe words, no and stop are enough. And never let someone tell you they misinterpreted you saying it. They just didn’t care enough about your feelings and reaction during that time.

It does not matter how many times you’ve had sex with someone in the past. You are always allowed to tell them no, without explanation. 

There is nothing you did to deserve someone doing anything to you without your consent. I don’t care who tries to convince you differently. No one in the world can tell you how to feel & no one can make valid excuses for the person that violated you.

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